i had an epiphany today. after my fellowship is up i am going home. i don't know if i will stay in science as at the moment it doesn't excite me, i don't like work very much, i feel like i am flailing and not making any progress. i always knew i wasn't going to stay here, but earlier today i had such a strong feeling, like i punch in the gut, yes i am leaving here in 2 years time. this of course did not spur me on to work harder, but it made me just the teeny tiniest bit hopeful.

i am really looking forward to starting my drawing and photography classes next week. very anxious but very excited. they may make me feel like i am achieving something, which work hasn't been doing. i want to be excited about something again, passionate, i want to work for hours and hours and not notice the time and enjoy what i am doing. i want to stop searching for something that will satisfy me. i don't know if drawing or photography will do that, but i feel like it will be something creative and artistic. i'm scared that i will suck, but i will never know until i try. i'm not saying that i will become a photographer or artist, because now i can never get my drawings to look quite right or always capture on film what i wanted but trying and learning might just satisfy the yearning that i have, that has been with me for a while now.

that was my epiphany today.