chlamygirl
Index
Archive
Favourites
Guestbook
Email
Photos
About
Host
Design by PS



if by crazy you mean me
2004-07-15

over the last couple of days i have been incredibly sad. i donít know why this is, although i suspect it might have to do with my crush. i hope that this feeling doesnít stay with me. i hope that the feeling doesnít grow into something more sinister than sadness. iíve only just gotten out of a very dark place. it was a struggle and it took a lot of work and effort on my part to pull myself out of it, and i donít want to go back there. i donít cry easily but all day yesterday i was on the verge of tears. today i had a total breakdown. it was a struggle to get to work. i was having internal arguments with myself. i eventually made it to work, later than i normally get in, but i felt proud of myself that i was able to quash the voices for a little while at least. once i got to work though i developed a headache and a terrible feeling in my stomach. i was shaking uncontrollably and my head was spinning. there was so much noise and it didnít stop. voices all around me, voices in my head. i couldnít stop them. i felt like ripping the skin off my face because i couldnít stop the endless noise. with my hands on my face pulling at my skin, i started to cry. my work colleagues looked at me shocked. i have never done this before at work and they were scared, i could see it in their faces. they asked me if i was ok and all i could do was shake my head, no. they became quite and soon all the noises around me became muffled and then they stopped. i took some deep breath, regained my composure and threw myself into my work. i was very quiet for most of the day and progressively felt better. by the end of the day i was ok, laughing even. i joked that i must have a brain tumour, because how else would you explain the headache, the inability to focus my eyes properly and the extreme mood swings. privately i know i lost it. i am scared. i am scared that tomorrow i will wake up and i will feel like i do today or feel even worse. what if today is not a one off? i donít know if i have the energy to pull myself up again after just having struggled through it. it wasnít like this last time. last time i was just flat, no energy to move, to speak, to think. today i really felt like i was going crazy. i mean who wants to rip the flesh off their body to stop noises? after work i went and had coffee with the one person i can trust here and told her what happened today and what i have been feeling lately. she listened, she understood, she has felt the exact same way in the past. we joked about 2 crazy people counseling each other. i went out tonight to take some night shots. i felt great, a little scared being in some remote places in the dark, but perhaps because i was concentrating so much i didnít notice the headache, but now that i am back home, my head is spinning like i am hung over again and i the awful tight feeling in my stomach has returned. you know i think i would prefer to have a brain tumour than to actually be crazy.

|