how can i, one minute be singing a happy song, and the next have very very ugly thoughts in my head? am i good actress, or disturbed? more like self indulgent.

speaking of self indulgent, i was told yesterday via email 'i {blank} you'. of course this boy isn't even in the same country as me now. it freaked me out a bit, reading that and finding out that he {blanked} me. i don't know why, i don't {blank} him, he is a friend, but he's not in the friends that i {blank} category yet. i think he is more in {blank} with the idea of me than in {blank} with me. i�m much better on the phone and email. he doesn�t have to put up with my highs and lows, my self deprecating comments, my lack of motivation, my babbling stupid comments, technology filters that out for him and he only occasionally gets glimpses of it but i am able to cover them up pretty well. he�s in {blank} with me, he can�t be!