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confession
2005-02-16

I have a confession to make. I have been hiding from the world for pretty much the last month and a half. This should come as no surprise since I haven�t added an entry for weeks.

This week I returned to work after about 5 weeks of isolation. I didn�t answer my phone, I limited emails to yes I am ok, sorry I missed your call. I lied to my boss and told him I was sick. Each day I would say to myself �tomorrow I am going to go to work�. I would wake up the next morning and decide not to go. I didn�t want to leave the house. My rent was late for January and February because I didn�t want to leave the house to mail the cheque. If I did leave the house I would only do so at night, this way people may not see me. I binged on ice cream, chips and cookies for 3 weeks and then didn�t eat a thing for 2 weeks because I became even more disgusted with myself. I made an appointment with my doctor to talk about what was going on, but I didn�t keep it. I became obsessed with knitting. It�s pretty much all I did for those 5 weeks. I knitted scarves, toys, a jumper for my mum.

I couldn�t tell you what triggered this episode. A combination of loneliness, rejection, job dissatisfaction and winter blues probably. The only thing that got me out of the house and back to work was embarrassment. I heard that people were starting to talk about me and my absence, but what upset me more was that I had let myself become so weak. It�s easy just to roll over and go back to sleep in the morning. It�s easy not to leave the house. Everybody has the blues and many people have the mean reds, but they deal with it and don�t give in. I gave in. I now struggle really hard everyday not to give in. It�s exhausting. All I want to do is be alone, but the isolation perpetuates the sad, lonely, hopeless feelings I have.

I know what I have to do, but lack the courage to implement it. I need to give myself a deadline and work towards it. The only way I will stick to the deadline is to buy my return ticket home. This is what I have to do.

I don�t like the person I have become, and I wonder if I will ever like myself again. Will returning home to family and friends be enough to restore my true self or will I be like this forever?

So I am working hard at trying to live. I will try and update regularly as that will mean that I will have to leave the house and do something to have anything worthwhile, or anything at all, to write about.

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