in my first year here in worcester, i spent nearly every night at the local pub. i would sit at the bar with either a book or a newspaper, reading and nursing a beer for hours. i got to know staff pretty well. sometimes guys would come up to me but more often than not i would be left alone.

yesterday i left work early, went home and instead of taking my camera for a walk, i opened a bottle of wine and started drinking. i was feeling pretty good after i polished off that bottle. pretty good and pretty horny.

this is when i began to have a conversation with myself about whether i could go to the pub and continue drinking thereby spending all the money that i have left for the week. in the process i could watch the baseball and if there was an interesting boy i could talk to him. the thought of bringing someone home did cross my mind, but i never actually thought it would happen, i mean the guy would have to be more desperate than me. i did however shave my legs, just in case, you know.

so with my hands in my pocket and my head hanging low i walked to the pub feeling a bit ashamed that i had been drinking all afternoon and now i was off to the pub to keep drinking, by myself. the word alcoholic entered my mind many times on the short walk. but i didn�t have much money and the buzz from the wine was still with me so i would be ok. i�ll drink slowly, read the paper and watch the baseball, then go home.

the night started off well. i had stuck to the game plan. but by the 7th inning in the red sox game i had met, ralph who insisted on buying me a beer, i had met and exchanged phone numbers with sue and her sister sarah, i had spent all but $2, and i had my hand on jeff�s thigh and he was asking me if i wanted to leave with him. this morning, i had to utter the words �you have to leave now because i have to go to work�. i�ve never had to say that. the words seems so strange. i have said �you have to leave now because i have a hangover and i need to sleep�, and just plain old �you have to leave now�.

i wonder if i am losing control? i am drinking more these days and i now i go to bars to find a boy to have sex with. shit when i say it like that i don�t like myself very much.