i struggle with wanting to be creative. i try and draw, and i try and paint and i try and take ‘good’ photos. my last two rolls of film were just complete shite because i was trying to be creative. i look for validation from the ‘right’ people that my stuff is original, creative, artistic. i look at some of the stuff i have made and i think, ‘hmm, not bad’, but then i cut myself down by thinking that if i can do it then anybody can and then it’s not so special anymore.

i gave away my first print as a gift yesterday. i was in two minds about it. i didn’t think the pictures were very good, but my photography instructor thought they were, so i framed them up and gave them to the owner of the dog in the picture. she loved them, but she’s not the ‘right’ person and so i still didn’t feel good about the pictures. i feel like a fraud for framing and giving away work that isn’t even close to acceptable. i feel egotistical that i gave away something that i didn’t quite like.

someone signed my guestbook after my friday photo submission. he commented on my writing. i went to his site and he had amazing photos. he didn’t comment on my photo, therefore it must have been crap. this is how i think, selfish. i enjoy taking photos, and i enjoy the darkroom process of developing my negatives, making the contact sheet and printing up my chosen shot, and that should be enough, that is what it is about, but i am never satisfied with my output. i look at other people’s photos and i think ‘wow, that is great, why can i do that?’. in class i get comments on my subject rather than on the photo. i know that there will always be people who take better photos than me, but i always feel like a failure for so being that good.

my feelings toward my photography are symptomatic of my feeling to myself. i will never be content with myself and no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try i will continue to cut myself down and criticise everything i do. while there might be a ‘right’ person from whom i would accept comments about my photography from, there will never be a ‘right’ person from whom i would accept complimentary comments about myself. negative comments are always accepted and i chime in with a few they may have missed.

will there ever come a time when i can look at myself and the things i make and say ‘i AM ok’?

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