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big girls blouse
2004-11-18

this fucking sucksÖ. monday night, veggie boy and i spent a stupidly shocking night at the mall, our first Ďdateí away from the pub. he mentioned that he needed to buy some stuff, i told him i needed new jeans. he had monday off so i told him iíd give him a call when i got off work and weíd go to the mall. he didnít even look at anything he needed, i tried on a couple pairs of jeans and got totally frustrated. he told me his disdain for mallsÖ so why the fuck did we spend the first time we got to spend away from his work at a stupid mall. when i dropped him off, he told me he would call. he didnít. on wednesday he had a mandatory food and healthy certificate course thingy to take. he was worried because he hadnít read any of the notes. i called him wednesday night to see how it went. it was a breeze. he told me that he was going to play cards tonight and that he would call me and see if i would come down, to see him. i will happily sit at the bar drinking beer waiting for the card game to finish up so i can spend a couple hours with him. so itís 9pm and he hasnít called. i know the card game has started, and i figured he would have called me either to say that he wasnít going to play, or that he was playing and i should come down later.

i donít know why i am so pissed. itís no secret that i donít find him physically attractive, but i know, or at least i am pretty sure, that he is into me, and i like how he makes me feel, special, attractive, wanted. so again why am i pissed that he hasnít called. i said to a friend today that ego knows no gender. am i feeling pissed that he may not be as interested in me as i thought he was? did i think i was better than him? am i just overreacting, and he is either asleep, or just into the game. but sure as hell i know i am not going to call. because i am being a girl and he said he would call the other night and he didnít i did. he said he would call me tonight and he hasnít yet. and i am not going to call him. petty, i know and i will tell him about my over reaction if he ever calls, but shit man i am regressing to the teenage girl i never was.

i know i am being a big girl blouse. iíve had a couple glasses of wine, which ordinarily, given my alcoholic status, shouldnít make a bit of difference, but my frustration is bubbling over.

oh and too boot, i killed my fish.

and now i am going to listen to cake, because cake rocks!

an update...

in my wine induced state i did call veggie boy and left him a very girlie, though distinctly me, message. i felt stupid afterwards. he eventually came over and made me tell him what i was thinking feeling. he is asleep on my bed now, and all is good for now, until i have another episode.

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