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pearls of wisdom?
2004-11-17

it was only a little while ago that i felt hopeless, desperate, worthless, lonely and alone. it was a struggle to do anything. there would be days were i just couldnít get out of bed, and if i did go to work i was unproductive and unmotivated. you lovely people gave me encouragement and confidence to talk to a doctor. and i did. a month later my first appointment with the psychologist is only a couple days away, tomorrow actually.

i donít feel as extreme in my emotions as i did back then. i still have Ďissuesí but i donít feel like hurting myself anymore and i donít feel as hopeless. the major reason is that about 3 weeks ago, i walked into my bosses office and told him i wanted to quit and go home. he had no idea how i was feeling. he was shocked and begged, his own personal version of begging, me to reconsider. i explained that a number of factors went into my decision. work sucking and me not being good at science, my feeling of isolation here and lack of friends and my heart aching for my family. walking into his office and telling him how i felt was the hardest thing i had ever had to do. i was unsure of what his reaction would be. i didnít want to appear disloyal and i didnít want to disappoint him Ė crazy i know. overall he took it well but he is still subtly trying to change my mind. i remember walking out of his office, my body shaking uncontrollably, more than when i walked in, but i also remember feeling like a huge weight had been lifted. i felt so light, like i was floating. i slept the best i had in months that night.

the talk with my boss has brought us closer together. we are friends again. he thought i had distanced myself from him and i thought he was constantly pissed at me for not producing results. we have personal conversations again, and talk science at least once a week. he is convinced that if i get over the wall i have hit with this one particular project that all will be well and i will stay. i doubt i will.

after the Ďtalkí with the boss, was when veggie boy and i got reacquainted. he makes me feel special and less worthless. of course i will always have my insecurities but i am learning just to go with it. i cringe less and less when he says i am Ďwicked cuteí or when he calls me beautiful. he sees something in me that most people donít. i joke itís analogous to a motherís blind love for her good for nothing, criminal child.

so my question is, do i keep my appointment? i would honestly feel like a complete dick if i walked in there tomorrow and said well a little while ago i felt like this, but now i am much better, sorry for wasting your time and taking an appointment from someone who really needs it. on the other hand, history dictates, that it wouldnít take all that much for me to slip back.

any pearls of wisdom?

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