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better man
2004-11-01

you know the song better man by pearl jam? well i think that is the deal with me and veggie boy. it is true that i feel comfortable around him, and also true that i like to spend time with him, but we donít really talk much. ok granted when i see him he has usually just knocked off work and has been working for 10 or 12 hours. but i canít help feeling that perhaps the only reason i am with veggie boy is because he shows me attention and gives me the affection i crave.

saturday afternoon/evening i worked a wedding, 10 hours. i got home at midnight, showered, changed into costume and went and met up with veggie boy. he had worked an 11 hour day, had only finished a couple hours before i showed up. we hugged, held hands, listen to the band playing and then after a few hours went back to his place. i stayed over and the next morning we hardly talked. he kept saying how tired he was. sure we still cuddled and held each other, but i am thinking that maybe i should just nip this in the bud, especially if i feel like i am using him. perhaps i am over analyzing this. perhaps i should just go with the flow and see how things work out.

i guess the contrast between my sunday morning and my sunday afternoon was vast. sunday afternoon i took a mini road trip with a guy from my photo class. he found a great deal on a used rolleicord , but had no way of getting to it. i had been without a car for so long that now whenever anyone needs a lift anywhere and i am free i will offer my services. so eamon (photo class guy) and i have been getting to know each other better and better recently. a couple weekends ago when i was in new york city, we hung out together all day and took candid people shots. we laugh a lot at each others stories and we have similar photographic tastes. i enjoy his company and he mine (at least as far as i can tell). so the entire ride, 2 hours roundtrip we talked nonstop. i guess i find it a bit disconcerting that i havenít had a good conversation with veggie boy, but i will lie next to him in bed. this is why i feel like i cheating myself and him. veggie boy hired some new staff last week so perhaps things will thing settle down at work for him, we will be having conversations and laughing nonstop and i will laugh at this post.

friday night, veggie boy, proposed that we work on a project together. he is into mixing music, so he suggested that he give me a track and i go off and take a photo befitting the track. he also suggested that i give him a photo of mine and he will mix a track based on the photo. i think the idea is a very cool idea and i am all for it. so maybe the indecision i am feeling about all of this, is just me being a silly girlie girl and has nothing to do with reality and it is all just because veggie boy is a very tired boy.

we shall see.

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