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doctor, doctor
2004-09-21

i didnít achieve everything on my weekend to do list but i did mange some things. of course i didnít do the most important thing and that was to get out of the house.

i had a doctors appointment today which i originally setup a few weeks ago to talk about my acne problem. i talked to my doctor about that and i also told her about how i have been feeling lately. i didnít know how to begin so i sat quietly for what seemed like a long time but was probably only about 30 seconds, while my eyes welled up. the doctor didnít push me she just waited for me to begin. Ďi think i am going crazyí i began. and then proceeded to talk for the next 30 minutes telling her how i feel, what i do or donít do when i feel this way, what physical symptoms i have etc etc. she told me i was depressed and pretty severely so she suggested medicine and counseling. i cringed at the mention of the word medication. this is part of the reason why i havenít been to the doctor before about all of this. i think in general doctors are too quick to prescribe antibiotics and antidepressants. i donít want my body to get use to either one of them. sure they may work in the short term, but what if i have to take them long term and my body builds a tolerance to them? anyway i told the doctor i was hesitant about taking meds and she was kinda cool with that, but told me i would benefit from counseling. so i agreed, she wrote a referral and wants to see me in one months time. of course the computers were down when i went to make my appointment so i donít know when i will get to see someone. the doc kept repeating that she was glad that i spoke with her, and in a way i am glad i did too. iím still not convinced that i am really depressed, at times i think i am just lazy. the word depressed seems, to me at least, to have lost itís umph. like the words nice or love. oh i love that scarf, or those shoes are nice, the boy didnít ask me out i am so depressed. real depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, how does the doc know that i really have this?!? in any case it was hard to talk about but i hope the counseling can help, when i eventually get there.

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