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nothing
2004-09-13

i think it is happening again, but this time i donít think i have the energy to fight it. i have spent the last 4 days in bed, only getting out of the house once to go and buy some food. i didnít even go to my first photography class for this session. i slept almost the entire 4 days. i only remember one of my dreams, which is unusal for me. i normally remember all my dreams. i dreamt that both my boss and my father had died. i remember not having any sort of reaction or emotion to the news. i just remember thinking, well now i can go home.

my whole body aches, my head aches, when i walk my muscles feel like they have no strength. i get head spins. sometimes my body shakes uncontrollably, but it is constantly trembling. sometimes i tear up for no reason. i donít want to talk to anyone, i just want to curl up and be forgotten. i started to panic about having to go to work today on sunday morning. this morning i barely made it in, fighting with myself at every stage. i finally convinced myself to get up out of bed. ok good start, but i sat there for an hour doing nothing. i canít even remember thinking anything. i realise an hour has past. i shower and change. when i look in the mirror, my head seems bigger, really out of proportion big. i canít decide if it is because my body is shorter or my head has grown. i start to freak out. i canít leave the house now and let people see me this way. i sit back down on my bed, for another hour, and talk myself into going to work. i check the mirror again, and still my head seems enormous. i decide not to look at myself again. over the next hour i have a constant debate with myself as to whether i should curl up back into bed or go to work. finally, fear of being shouted at by my boss makes me go in. but with every step my head feels like it is wobbling, like those bobble head dolls. my body aches and i feel like i am separated from my body and that it is working by remote control. people at work are looking at me strangely and i cannot decide if it is because they think i am a lazy bitch for not coming into work thursday and friday or because they have noticed that my head is bigger or both. but they wouldnít get it anyway, so there is no point trying to explain to them. i havenít been able to finish a cigarette, which is probably a good thing. i am afraid to go online and check email, i donít want any contact with anyone, be it virtual or in person. as i write this my hands and arms are twitching and shaking, itís almost like i can feel the neurons in my arm firing weakly but uncontrollably. my body has no strength. when i stand my legs feel wobbly, and i can feel my whole body tremble. and itís not just my body that seems a mess, my mind is a mess too. i am either thinking about how i would hurt myself and where on my body i should do it, or my mind is blank, completely blank. i havenít had the courage to hurt myself yet. they are just thoughts and never of anything permanent. i couldnít do it to my family, especially my mother, it would break her. i guess i just figure that if hurt myself then i would feel real pain instead of the dull, numbing, out of body stuff i am feeling now. but i have been too cowardly to do it. i think this is a good sign.

i donít know if this is going to last, or if this is something that i should talk to a doctor about. itís probably all in my mind and the trembling, the light headedness, the weak muscles are all psychosomatic, in which case i will feel like even more of a loser.

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