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loss
2004-08-26

i found out yesterday that my sister had a miscarriage. she was about 8 weeks pregnant. both she and my brother in law are very very disappointed. they had known about the pregnancy for about 2 weeks and my sister says that she had gotten use to the idea of being pregnant again and had started to buy and plan things. she has cried a lot. when she first told me she was pregnant again i had the same reaction as when she told me she was pregnant with my niece. i was happy for them, but not over the moon happy. selfish thoughts overcame me. iím going to miss my nieces first few years, everyone will watch the baby grow up and develop except me, the kid wonít even know me. so all these selfish thoughts returned to me when my sister told me she was pregnant again. i also thought she is going to have her hands full with a newborn and a 16 month old. now i feel incredibly guilty for having those thoughts. i will stay on the other side of the world if it means that my sister and her husband didnít have to go through that sort of loss and pain ever again. i know my thoughts in no way contributed to the miscarriage, but perhaps this is a message for me to put aside my petty thoughts and think of the bigger picture.

sue and billy, i am really sorry.

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