Design by PS
so if you have read any of my previous entries you would know that i have a hard time making friends since i moved here two years ago. i donít just mean acquaintances that you go out for a drink with (although iíve had a hard time finding those people too), i mean someone i can really talk to, hangout with and just be myself with. recently i thought i found such a person and for the most part, the friendship is really good. we have a lot of things in common. she understands that sometimes i can get very down and i am able to explain to her what goes through my mind at these times. she doesnít judge me or look at me like i am crazy when i tell her about the voices or about how sometimes i really want to hurt myself. she accepts that i have problems with food, so when we are out and she is hungry she doesnít mind me not eating. when i was describing to her my recent meltdown, she didnít laugh or roll her eyes, all she said was Ďwow, that is powerfulí. she encourages me with my photography. she is a lot of things that a good friend should be. she is a talented artist and has a unique way of thinking. she reads philosophy books like others read crime fiction. she is constantly dissecting thoughts, actions, motives and she is always looking for answers.
she is also very sensitive. as we have gotten to know each other this has become very apparent. i met my crush through her. after a couple of weeks i told her i had a crush on the boy. the next day i got a hysterical email from her saying that she wasnít going to stop being friends with him just because i have a crush on him. she wasnít going to step back and give me more time with him. this email blew me away, because i would never expect anyone to stop being friends with a person just because one of their friends had a crush on them. i thought she over reacted but i could see her point of view. here are 2 people she considers friends, like me she doesnít have many friends here in the us, and she was afraid that if we hooked up and then it didnít work out, it would put her in an awkward position. and yeah it would, but i only admitted my crush to her and i do remember saying that i would never act on it because i havenít the confidence. so i apologised to her (for what i have no idea) and i told her that she didnít to have to choose between the boy and me and reassured her that nothing would happen between the boy and me and so she wouldnít need to feel like she was losing a friend.
a little while after that the 3 of us hung out one night. we had some beers, smoked some pot, ate pizza and goofed around. i didnít think i acted differently than any other time the 3 of us hung out. i didnít pay more attention to the boy than usual, and i didnít pay any less attention to her than i normally do. that makes it sound like i donít usually pay much attention to her which is definitely not the case. when i am around her i focus most of my attention on her. i find her interesting and she has these great facial expressions when she speaks. so the boy and i crashed at her place, the next morning we all had breakfast together and left for work. i saw her a couple times during the day and all was well. later that night i got an upsetting email from her. she told me i had acted very differently to her the night before when we were hanging out together and that i made her feel uncomfortable and that she taught our friendship was now tainted. she told me she sensed hostility towards her and that i was straining our relationship with a crush. wow, was my initial reaction, followed by what the fuck. i can honestly say that i didnít direct any hostility towards her and that during the course of the night and the next morning i never once thought Ďgee i wish you werenít here, so i could be alone with the boyí. i replied to her email, apologising for making her feel shitty, although i think she made up stuff. the point is that she was feeling horrible and it was real to her, so i said i was sorry that she felt that way, that i was the cause of it and can she forgive me blah blah blah. basically i begged for her forgiveness, even though i didnít think that i acted differently, and certainly not hostile, towards her.
so all was smoothed over. then she got a pair of new, very cool vans shoes. i went online and found a pair, similar but different to them that i was considering getting. she happened to come past while i was looking at them and i commented to her that dave grohl has a pair like this and i think i might get the same style but just brighter colours. (tangent: i am a HUGE dave grohl fan. i dream that we are mates and that we hang out together). that night i get another email from her this time saying she was upset with me because she had actually purchased another pair of vans and they happened to be the ones that i pointed out to her earlier on in the day. she drew parallels between this shoe thing and me being (supposedly) hostile to her about alex. she told me that when i want something i will not stop at anything to get it. i think this is partly true, but in the case of alex, is he mine? no, did i pursue him? no, and the shoes. for crying out loud, they are shoes. so guess what i did? yep i wrote back and apologised for hurting her feelings, once again. i even suggested to her that since i seem to be hurting her all the time, it might be a good idea for us not to spend so much time together. she didnít agree with this. she told me that she needed to tell me my faults because i donít see them and itís important for real friends to point out the workings of our personalities. did i tell her i thought she was overly sensitive, no. because this would have generated yet another hysterical email later on in the day.
so a few things trouble me about all of this. one is she cannot say these things to my face, she always emails me, two i always apologise to her for making her feel bad, even though i think she is over reacting and three, i am finding that i cannot be myself around her anymore because i donít know what she will over react to.
so now i am back to square one. i canít really be a friend to her and while there are a whole bunch of things i would love to do and see that i think she would be interested in, i am debating whether i should ask her along because i have to watch what i say and do and even if i do do that, she might fabricate some bizarre scenarios where i was showing more love to the splinter in my thumb than to her. i just donít understand.