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crushed out
2004-07-17

the reason why i think i have been sad lately (and this has nothing to do with my psychotic episode the other day, i hope) is that i realised that my crush doesn't 'like' me in that way. i was feeling a failure and inadequate and basically unloved. it has been such a long time since i have thought a boy attractive and then to not have those feelings reciprocated was demoralising and disappointing. the other night after i came home from taking the photos, i was lying in bed and i realised that the energy i was putting into my crush was a waste, and if that was the trigger that would send me off into a depression again then i wasn't going to have anything to do with it. so i made an oath to myself that night where i was just going to look at my crush as someone i occasionally get to hang out with and as someone whose company i enjoy. I woke up feeling much lighter the next morning. i havenít seen the boy since this, i hope i can pull it off.

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