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pencils and erasers begone
2004-06-30

I still have this fear of drawing. the drawing class I took overcame a small part of this fear, but there is still this knot inside my body and my mind that is blocking the flow of images in my head, down my arm and to my pencil, pen or paintbrush. drawing in pencil is easier and less daunting for me than in ink or paint. if I draw a line or curve, or shade something that I am not happy with, I can rub it out, but if I draw something with ink, or paint something, I canít fix it and so I have to start again (or more to the point just give up). the big white sheet of paper looks so beautiful, clean and unspoilt, and then I come along with my scribbles and spoil it. I never give myself the chance of seeing what can come out of my mistakes or my experimentation. I donít know what I am afraid of and why I have this block, but itís real and it is huge. I know that I should just bite the bullet, let go and just draw with ink or paint. I should hide my pencils, but if I do that I am afraid that I wonít be drawing at all. I just donít understand why it is so hard for me to sit down and see what comes out of it when I readily experiment with photography. is it a fear of failure? I know I suck so maybe itís not the fear of failing but being confronted with my failure. whatever it is, I know I have to overcome it. this summer I will try to put away my pencils and exclusively paint and draw with ink. pencils and erasers begone!!

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