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please, no more voices
2004-06-02

i think it is happening again. i think i am starting to slip into that dark, lonely, uncommunicative place. i donít want to go there. i didnít go to work yesterday, i couldnít. i did get up when my alarm went off and i went about my morning routine, but then the little voices in my head told me that i wasnít going into work. so i went back to bed and pretty much slept all day. i did nothing productive, not that i ever do when i am in this mood. i have a ton of washing to do, i have my photo diary to work on, i had the apartment to clean, i had movies from the library to watch, i had books to read, i had drawings to finish and yet all i did was sleep. i missed my colleagues seminar and i didnít call in sick. i told people at work today that i had a migraine, but i didnít really. i had the voices telling me not to go in. last night the voices told me not to go in again today, and then again this morning they told me not to go in. the last time i listened to them i didnít go into work for a whole week. but i made it into work today. i didnít listen to the voices. in a way i wish i did because i would want nothing better than to stay in bed, even though i was getting a bit bored with myself yesterday. i donít know why the voices have come back after being silent for so long. iíve been keeping busy but i allowed myself down time on monday and perhaps that allowed the voices to creep back. does this mean that i will never be able to safely have alone time with myself without the prospect of losing it all together?

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