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confessions of a desperate girl
2004-05-11

i think most of the guys on my soccer team are either married or have girlfriends. apart from 2, m who is 18, and a, age unknown. i havenít spoken to a at all, nor him to me. i didnít even think he knew my name. sundayís game, i felt was my best yet. on monday i received an email from a, congratulating me on my game and saying that he was glad i was on his team.

hmmmm

my brain started working overtime. what was his motive for emailing me? was he making initial contact so that itís easier for him to talk to me later? did he fancy me? my mind raced with scenarios in which he came up to me after a game and asked me out, i imagined myself picking up the phone and hearing his voice at the other end asking me out (even though i canít recall ever hearing him speak). i came up with different first date settings, the conversations we would have, the uncomfortable silences we would have to get through. and you want to know the dumbest thing, i donít even fancy him. i never looked twice at him. i really havenít spoken a word to him except on the soccer field and i really donít think he has ever said anything to me. yet still instead of accepting the email as it was intended, recognition for my best game yet, i weave a scenario where he asks me out and i tell him that while i enjoy his company i am not interested in that way.

i replied to his email, thanking him for his words and then i waited for another email from him to suss the situation out. an email came, but all it said was thanks for my kind words and see you next sunday. i was a little disappointed, why, i donít know. was i disappointed that i didnít have to go through the much despised sorry not interested conversation? more like i was disappointed he wasnít interested in me even though i hope isnít. stupid i know. but in my dream world i imagine that boys are interested in me and that i got out on dates. i dream that a boy will look at me like my sisterís husband looks at her.

i often do this. if a boy just looks at me i think that he is interested. i imagine dating him, going on holidays together, cuddling up on the couch together, marrying him, having kids with him, all in one second and all because he looked in my direction. i wonder why i react this way. i donít think i am a beauty, i donít think i am special but if you were to know what was going through my mind youíd think i was some vixen that boys found irresistible.

now i will always look at a, as not just a member of my soccer team, but as a Ďwhat could have beení, crazy since i never wanted it in the first place.

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