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sometimes work can be a good place
2004-04-26

if i had written an entry this morning it would have gone something like this:

i am probably the most pathetic, disgusting, lazy person on this planet. ok so i may not have been exposed yet on some two-bit current affairs show, but i should be. i am devoid of original thought. i wonder how i ever got this far, how i got a phd when i am just a lamb, actually just a sheep, not as cute as a lamb, and follow other people.

first of all i didnít go to soccer yesterday. i raved about what a good time i had last week, and how my team mates all seem very cool. it wasnít even icky outside yesterday and i still didnít go, and why? *whiny voice* i didnít feel like it. what a pathetic fucking excuse. i do that a lot. i donít have anyone to spur me on so i do nothing. so what did i do with my day? i ate A LOT, i kipped a little, i read a little, watch some telly, did some crosswords, read every single blog written (ok not every one, but a lot of them ) and slept through most of little shop of horrors, ok so that means i kipped a lot (sorry birmingham boy, iím not really a musical kinda girl unless doris day is in them, although i loved all the dresses the 3 women singers wore). so after my big day of accomplishments (yeah really, cleaned the fridge, dusted, vacuumed and finished the fridge magnets Ė big jobs, not) yesterday i sat on my fat arse all day when i could have been out running around for a couple of hours, keeping up my end of the bargain. i mean there are only like 9 games or something. lazy, lazy lazy, no denying it.

now here comes the unoriginal part. whilst i was reading back issues of spin magazine, i can across an article about death cab for cutie . i started reading it, went Ďnah canít be botheredí turned the page and saw at the bottom of the page adam bodyís picture. i am in absolute lust with this kid. i use to watch gilmore girls religiously (i donít watch anything religiously anymore), and i love the character he played in that. then he shows up in the oc and is very witty, funny, geeky, sarcastic and very similar to the character he played in gilmore girls which makes me think that he is pretty much like that in real life. so if i was to describe my ideal boy it would be pretty much adam brody. so anyway this insert with adamís picture talks about how adam loves death cab and how he got other cast members in them. so what do i do. i go online, listen to 3 maybe 4 of there songs and then spend $40 on their cdís. and this is after me saying that i was broke, well i am even more broke now, i dipped into my extra cash fund, which hasnít much extra left in it now that i keep dipping into it. and why did i go ahead and spend $40 on cds (that i canít really afford) from a band that adam brody whom i will never ever meet and hence never get the chance to say Ď oh my favorite song of theirs is song 5 off their second albumĒ . why did i do it? because adam brody, whom i have met, i just like the look of and who seems like my sorta guy, said they were cool. if that isnít the most stupid thing, no itís more than stupid itís pathetic. iím 31 years old and i still think that way? i need a good quick to the head.

i had been fighting cookie cravings all day. everytime i wanted a cookie i would make a cup of tea or coffee or have something non sweet, because i donít have anything sweet. i actually ate 2 packets of tic tac like mints. i was thinking i was doing good resisting the urge, cos 1) it would mean having to get out of the apartment, 2) i would be spending more money i donít really have and 3) i didnít go to soccer or been doing any exercise so i didnít deserve cookies. so i am in bed reading or watching tv , itís about 8pm or so and i get up, put my runners on, make sure i donít have any really disgusting pimples on my face and i leave and drive to the supermarket, and i buy a packet of biscuits, and i buy a tub of ice cream because itís on offer, and i by a packet of donuts and i buy a packet of those yummy spring rolls. so $11 later i am home and eating donuts in bed, thinking myself a pig, but not being able to stop. thankfully i didnít finish the donuts, nor hit the half way mark of the ice cream, nor start on the cookies. no doubt i will make a dent in them tonight, as i have a sore tummy this will be the excuse i use for not going to the gym.

so this is why i am a pathetic, lazy disgusting pig, who doesnít deserve friends, or to be happy, because i probably wouldnít be able to keep them if i had them.

but i didnít have time to write anything before work. when i got to work i was quiet but strangely enough i had a pretty good day. i started to feel better. not that anything worked today but for some reason my mood wasnít as dark as it was this morning and i didnít feel so disgusted with myself. i saw on cheeky radishís site that she was listening to alex llyod. wow, a non Australian listening to one of our own. i was so happy for him. not that i have ever meet him, unless watching him pass by me (with a gazillion opening lines passing through my head) a couple of times when iíve seen his shows count. so i wrote to cheeky radish and told her how cool it was that she was listening to him. what a fantastic person she is. we swapped a couple of emails during the day. here i am a complete stranger, emailing her out of the blue saying that i too think alex is cool and she and makes me feel better by letting me into her world a little. there are some very very cool people out there and she is definitely one of them.

so i still feel pretty down on myself but nearly as much as yesterday.

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