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sandman
2004-04-13

i had a very disturbing dream last night. i was the age i am now, living where i am now, my mum was living with me (not the disturbing part). my sister, who is 4 years my junior was, in my dream, around 8 years old, she was however dead. there were pictures of her all around my apartment. i had only just found out that she died. i was at the kitchen sink washing dishes, when something blocked the drain. i turned the garbage disposal on and autoclave tape (which is what we use at work that indicates if the autoclave has reached the proper temperature) started shooting out of the drain. i grabbed at it, but it turned to live wire and i was electrocuted and thrown back onto my tiled kitchen floor, hitting my head quite hard. my whole body was shuddering from the continued current running through my body (i'm sure i was shaking in bed during this). i remember thinking that i was going to die from electrocution and it was a horrible and painful way to die. i then remember saying to myself tyo breathe and that would stop it, everything went blank. it was at that point that i woke up and gentle prodded myself to make sure i wasn't dead or still dreaming. that was at 4.30 this morning and i couldn't go back to sleep.

on a different topic, i wonder if i am sometimes too kind for my own good. i recgonise that trait in others, namely my mother. for example, i normally bring my mp3 player into work for when i am doing very mundane repeatative things outside the main lab. the tech borrows the player occassionally and usually asks to use it, which i have no problem with. this afternoon he asked me if he could use the player, i was just planning to set up some pcr and was intending on listening to music while i did this. i asked him how long he would need it for, he asked why and after i explained my plans to him, he said i could have it when he was done doing what he was going to do. now, if the situation was reversed, and it was the techs player and i asked to use it and he told me that he was planning on using it, i would have said, no problem. is it because i am too kind? too soft? don't stand up fpr myself? i of course didn't say anything to him, and it is such a trivial matter but it made me think, i would react this way even if it wasn't a trivial matter. i am the same way when i comes to money, even though i don't have too much to spare. i inevitably lose out when i am with someone that counts every cent, usually because i'll say oh i'll add another couple of dollars to the tip, or don't worry about paying me back the couple of dollars, because i believe it's only a couple of dollars, or i can set up a pcr without listening to music. soft, non?

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